I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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