Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
