Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
