New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
