My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
