I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
