Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
