he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
