Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
