I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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