From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
