if i can run in heels then i can drive
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
