then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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