I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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