question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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