Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
