I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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