You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
