Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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