I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
