I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
