the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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