...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
