Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
