Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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