He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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