My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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