found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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