I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize