I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
