My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
