she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
