Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
