Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize