my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
