wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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