Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize