hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
