I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Randomize
