So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
