How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
