i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
