Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
