so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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