The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
