I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
