If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
