My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
