How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
