So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
