Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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