woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
