I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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