it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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