I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
