I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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