After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
