I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
