I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
