Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
