I smell stomach acid.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize