You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
