u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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