Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
