It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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