You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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