3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
